Science Proves It: Don't get back together with your Ex

                       


We often think of the "what if's" in failed love. Some always finding a reason to make us want to rekindle the old flame. So, if you're thinking about getting back with you're ex, research tells you not to.



Amber Vennum, assistant professor at Kansas State University, conducted a study on the effects a relationship has between cyclical couples (you know the ones that break up then get back together, then break up again and again get back together).

Deep inside we all knew that the off and on again routine was not good for us. And, here is the proof why.

I read the article with much interest. Upon finishing, and realizing the accuracy of the matter, I was feeling some sort of way in knowing I was part of another statistic that supported her theory.

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up on september 2010 and with that went a year and a half of my time and effort wasted. Little did I know that the real torment and emotional toll would be felt in waves throughout the next sixteen months (yes, another year and a half) where the off and on again affair was played on my heart. My past relationship had ideal examples for each of Vennum's warnings.


• Impulsive Relationship Transitions

Three months after our break up I decided to get a dog. Due to the fact that I clearly made the decision on a manic high, I didn't consider the fact that I was still in college and lived in a sorority house, where there were no pets allowed. My ex and I weren't together but, we were fooling around (if you know what I mean). When I told him about my new adoption he suggested that I keep the dog over at his apartment. His reasoning was that I was going to be there most of the time anyway- You see, even though we weren't together, the semester before he offered that I move in with him. That decision was also made on a manic high; I couldn't stand living with a house full of hormonal women and his place was closer to campus than mines. Needless to say both decisions were beyond epic fails. We went from a broken up couple to playing house! I'd get text messages mid morning asking if I'd walked or fed the dog. In the afternoon we'd have dinner together and at night we slept in the same bed. There was no verbal discussion of us getting back together but, we fell into our old routines and just accepted them. For a while we were so content that he even told me about changing our relationship status on Facebook (yes, apparently everything has to go through FB now a days). Good thing I said no because less than two months later we were off again. It seemed like a bitter divorce was in place when I went back to the sorority house. And, since my dog couldn't come with me it seemed like every night we had bitter arguments about our 'child'.


• Less Satisfied with Partner

I had realized I was unhappy before we broke up (the first time) but, after we got back together everything seemed so much harder to reach. Quirks that I once thought were cute were very annoying. Sex after the break up was bland - it became a thing to do it just because the other person was there- no spark, no passion, not even lust.


•Worse Communication

We had always been ones to preach 'communication is key'. And, I don't know why- our communication was never any good even on our best days! But, it only got worse. The months that we spent living together I was walking on egg shells- I'd want to tell him something then decide against it. The times that we would talk things would be taken out of context and we'd end up in an argument. It was ironic how we'd try to avoid certain things only to fall straight in the middle of it.


• Negative Decisions

I think that our entire relationship was a series of negative decisions. But, the icing on the cake clearly goes to that sixteen month run we did after breaking up. On we'd argue, off we'd have sex. Getting 'back together' without clearly talking out what that would mean. And since there was never any talk about being 'official' the moment one of us would get mad, upset, or just shy of hurt we'd say we were never together to start with. Our biggest fault was not knowing how to be alone. We had become so used to the other being there that, while we were apart, we looked for each other- clearly noting that we didn't want anything from one another.


• Lower Self-esteem

I should be saying that I've never felt more beautiful then when I was with him (during the happy days)- after all, at the time, he was my most meaningful relationship. The truth, however, is that I've never felt worse. The choices I've made, the plans I had for my future, even my ambition to be successful where all questioned by him. I then began to second guess myself on things I've done and believed in all my life. My confident attitude quickly diminished. His constant mentioning of the gym and obsession with being fit (when he clearly wasn't) not only made me insecure about the way I looked but took an emotional toll on me as well. As a girl who had always been pleased with her beauty, I never felt more fat and ugly than when I was with him.


• Higher Uncertainty about our Future

Even before our breakup I wasn't sold on the idea of us being 'together forever'. Some of our friends joked that we were going to get married due to our constant making up. But, I couldn't see further than two weeks into the future. Guess this was my own sub-conscience telling me to stop but, did I listen? No! Two months before we broke up I had a sinking feeling that he shouldn't come with me on my family vacation. Why would they have to meet him when they wouldn't even hear his name again? On my cousins civic wedding we were all filled with excitement that everyone signed on as a witness. Before I could tell him not to sign he already had the pen in hand. A month later another cousin of mines had her quinceañera; at the party she was coming around to all the tables and taking group photos. All I thought, but confined from saying, was great another picture where I'd have to answer 'my ex' when someone asked who that was. Three weeks before we broke up my ex got the idea of buying a queen sized bed that would be kept at my place. This time my thoughts were spoken out loud, "what if we break up"? But, my concern were pushed to the side and we bought the bed anyways.



Ahhh!!! I can't believe how clear the signs were and I ignored them. All for the fear of being alone.

You broke up and now it's time to move on forward in your life and be smart about your choices.

There is a reason certain people don't make it into your future. Let bygones be bygones and leave the past where it was meant to stay- far behind you.